And I have stopped counting how many times.
To all those who are annoyed about these posts: I can only practice compassion towards you as the fact that you express this anger or frustration towards this movement now only shows that you yourself have been a victim of sexual harassment or abuse, otherwise you wouldn’t feel that way as we all know our reactions outwards are nothing else but a projection of our inner world full of suppressed emotions and trauma.
I see the wounded and deeply pathetic
codependency and interconnectedness between the sacred feminine and the sacred masculine as a result of too many years of humans getting lost and disconnected from their true selves, their ability and knowing of how to connect to the divine universal energy without the need to (re)charge their energies by sucking out the one of the other sex.
In a world where we abuse already the concept of sacred sexuality and intimacy by creating fear judgement shame and guilt towards natural sexual desires and on the other hand commercializing and perverting sexuality as a good that sells we have created a massive confusion and irritation that has lead to perversions, loneliness and violence in all aspects of human life.
World peace starts with inner peace and very deeply imprinted fears and emotions like jealousy, lack of love, fear of abandonment and lack of self worth lead eventually- in a chain reaction that is hard to prove or to grasp but deeply felt by very sensitive souls – to wars all around our beautiful earth as we all know what we carry deep inside and suppress will at the end come out in an explosive way.
I further see the desperate need of these times to reconnect to a healthy way of treating healing and loving our sexuality and I thank everyone from my heart who makes an effort- may it be on a collective or professional level or simply on a personal level- to help with this process.
Admidst all the misuse abuse and misunderstandings about Tantra I see an urgent and profound necessity to remember its old sacred teachings in order to unite both our female and male energies to be able to feel them melting into ONE. We all carry both aspects and energies inside of us.
Too often we address sexual energy only on the lower chakras and release our animal instincts by having sex instead of cultivating and working with this precious energy. The sexual energy is not different from our viral life energy / kundalini and it is all about how we use it. By knowing and practicing how to transform this energy we can bring it up into the higher chakras to then experience massive released creative and vital potential that we can use to create in magical ways!
I pray for peace between women and men, for honouring our differences and focusing on our similarities.
I pray for conscious and brave fathers who stick to their sons, who teach them what they need to learn in order to be conscious and proud men themselves with a self esteem and self worth that doesn’t need to get attention from women in wrong and painful ways later in their lives.
Back in the days when we lived as tribes the men would go through profound rites of passages and initiation processes that are extremely necessary to mark the transition and transformation from boyhood to manhood to teach them what it means to truly be a man. Fathers were teaching their sons how to take care, how to provide , how to protect and how to grow strong in themselves while mothers were teaching them how to be softly receiving unconditional love so that they themselves would be able to give unconditional love.
Due to the fact that in our modern society we have totally lost this phenomena of rites of passage and more than often young boys and men only connect and depend on their mothers they lack an idea and embodiment of the sacred masculine, an idea about what it means to be a man in this world. This then leads to massive irritation and confusion, to macho behavior and lack of self love that eventually turns into violence against women and perverted concepts of sexuality on so so many levels.
Of course it is not only the men who are abusing, I am aware of women harassing and abusing but in general the sad truth is that there are far more fathers who have no time for their families or even abandon them for good so I want to raise awareness for this aspect as young men desperately need a strong role model / father figure in order to blossom – not only a loving mother.
After this being sad I am deeply realizing that also women need to heal and transform their behavior concerning sexuality.
I hereby am apologizing to all the men that I have manipulated or abused in my on ways throughout my life. I am asking for forgiveness to not have respected your struggle and your personal space. I know I have sometimes used my magic not in the most white and pure colours and sucked out or cut off a delicate part of your energetic fields. Hooponopono.
I am in the difficult yet essential process of forgiving those who have abused me.
I am forgiving myself for not being able to step into my power, showing and respecting my boundaries, for not being able or brave enough to say no or to speak my truth when I was being abused so so many times.
I am forgiving myself for having confused and mixed up my desperate need and desire for love and intimacy with the need for sex and for having as a result given myself away many times. I am forgiving the ones who have taken advantage of my inner hurt lonely and longing child.
We are one. Amen.
Und dann war Stille.
“Silence is the language of God. Everything else is just a bad translation . “
We made it. 10 days Vipassana Meditation. 10 days of silence. 10 days of only looking at each other from distance. 10 days of not wiping away each other´s tears. No sleeping next to each other. No talking about each other´s problems and finding a way out of the pain together as we always do.
In Vipassana your are not even allowed to write or read.
The first days I felt like running away. Waking up at 4 o clock in the morning (people who know me know that I get slightly grumpy when being forced to embrace the early bird – not mentioning that 4 o clock has nothing to do with morning, it´s basically in the middle of the night HELLO ) to then sitting ELEVEN HOURS in a hall meditating and completely giving up control.
The silence was no problem at all. I love talking but I love silence more and I need it in my life (in my opinion we all do) and I feel we don´t get it enough. In silence we can go so deep, we feel our body, we feel our soul. We suddenly hear our own heartbeat, the birds around us, the wind in the trees. The monkeys and peacocks in the Vipassana centre started to come so extremely close to us, something they would never do if people talked. When we were allowed to talk again after ten days, I felt sad. People started to chat right away just for the sake of chatting and to me it sounded like annoying noise in my ears who had become so sensitive and peaceful.
No, the silence wasn´t hard at all, it was like coming home to the one true universal language that exists and I could easily do it for longer periods.
What was hard and made me suffer a lot was my intense backpain which I carry around my whole life since I can remember. And my crazy mind. Think about it – suddenly you allow yourself to be still, to feel, to remember – I often complain about the fact that I have very bad memory but I realized we also need to give ourself time and space to remember things as this is an active process ! So suddenly long forgotten memories started to come up to the surface and I was forced to sit and face them with no possibility to run away from them or – as we are so so used to – to get busy and intentionally distracted by doing something, anything. Same with the thoughts – a waterfall of thoughts, emotions, regrets, realizations – and no chance to run away. After some days the real process started and successfuly surpressed thoughts from years ago started to come up and overran me like a hurricane. I just wanted to run into Daniel´s arms who was sitting at the other side of the hall and ask him for forgiveness for so so many things that I had done to him – again: no chance.
Then, after a few days, things changed. I was able to surrender. To surrender and let go of my ego, of my victim mentality – the first days I was fulll power in it, having so many thoughts like ” Oh poor me sitting here. Poor me having more serious backpain than all of the others. What am I doing here, what do I have to prove again and again to myself? Why can I not just enjoy some time at the pool and take a break from all the self work and all the spiritual discipline? “
I started to let go, to see and feel the beauty in this experiment, to finally give my mind, body and soul a well needed rest after all this hectic time in India. We had been working so much in the last months and people who know me know that I am addcited to being on the move, constantly being busy with something and just having thi full active spirit.
I started to feel the magic of the technique called Vipassana It´s too much to explain at this moment but basically I learned a way to deal with all my suffering – my backpain but also my mental pain, all the accumulated madness of suffering attracted into my life by being caught in my emotional and reactive behaviour patterns. I understood how I had been creating this pain and how I was now able to see that there is a way out of it – out of all the misery! This technique taught by Buddha 2500 years ago in the exact same way (!!) has been and is still helping millions of people . Vipassana means seeing the things as they really are and NOT as we want them to be – to just be an observing witness, to accept the good and the bad as two sides of the same coin and to understand through DIRECT experience on one´s own body ( in opposition of just having blind faith or believe in something because one has read it or learned it from a teacher or Guru or Saint) that absolutely everything in the entire universe is constantly changing, arising and passing away, arising and passing away…
Nothing is permanent, everything including our body is no solid matter but frequency changing all the time . This helps us to detach from our misery, our identity, our fixed ideas of who we are, our ego, our attachments and aversions…
If we oberve everything that happens inside and outside of us with calm equanimity, we witness how even the deepest pain eventually fades way… this too shall pass!
And we can find a way out of the old behaviour pattern of CONSTANTLY reacting to everything either by liking it -which then leads to attachment and clinging to it and then eventually creates suffering because also the pleasant things apss away in the end- or by reacting to it by disliking it, by creating aversion which then leads to more suffering. So the wicious cycle keeps on spinning and spinning!
I can guarantee you all hereby – again: because I experienced it, not because I just believe in it!- that it works. After ten days I went out so much lighter, calmer, more happy, more free, free from so much physical and mental pain… for the first time in my life I had no back pain and I could see my patterns and traumas in a complete new light and perspective.
I understood once more that we should look at our inside to see where and how pain arises instead of always blaming outside causes for them. Our anger towards someone else has always something to do with our inside and with not being in balance with ouself. Further: Mind Matters Most ! Be aware of your thoughts for this is where everything starts – every word you speak, every unwholesome action you do , has as a source an unwholesome impure thought – Train your monkey mind so that you don´t become a slave of it. It´s not about completely controlling and surpressing our thoughts but rather embracing them in loving acceptance and with detachment – no need to identify with them too much. Don´t believe everything you think 🙂
We made it. I am so so proud of us, it was really not easy for me and really really not easy for my beloved Daniel. He as well has big time physical pain and a crazy mind and many traumas to work on. Not to mention his cravings and his addiction that came to a rest for these ten days and my respect an admiration for this is beyond words.
Vipassana made us stronger, lighter, more grateful, more grounded and more equanimous. Time will tell if we manage to integrate it into our lives as only with continuous practice one can truly see the fruits of this attempt. We are optimistic. And so so grateful for Goenka Ji who brought this amazing buddhist technique back to Mama India where it had been forgotten over the years.
We can only recommend Vipassana to you Brothers and Sisters Give it a fair try and let yourself be surprised by your own strength.
And last but not least thank you dear beloved ones who encouraged and inspired us to sit in Vipassana.
Sila Samadhi Banya – Buddhaya Dhammayah Sangayah .
Der Tod, er kommt auf leisen Sohlen
Mal langsam tut er´s, mal ganz schnell
Er holt uns, so als wär´s befohlen
Als wär das Schicksal sein Gesell
Er ist bei uns und wartet auf die Stunde
In der es auch für uns Zeit ist zu gehn
So zieht er seine altbekannte Runde
Stets hoffend und bemüht
dass wir´s verstehen
Stets denken wir: Der holt doch eh die andern
mich kriegt der nie und sowieso nicht bald
Und töricht sind wir die im Dunkeln wandern
Und sehn vor lauter Bäumen nicht den Wald
Verschont bleibt niemand, der´s vermag zu lieben
Wer weiß schon, wie viel Zeit uns hier noch bleibt
Im Sternenhimmel steht´s vielleicht geschrieben
Wann uns der große Kosmos einverleibt
Der Ganges ist die Mutter, Fluss des Lebens
Und Varanasi ist die Todesstadt
Der Glaube ist´s nach dem hier alle leben
Auf Sanskrit sprech als Mantra ich ´ Tat Sat ´
Die Stadt liegt nicht am Ende dieses Flusses
Am Ende fließt Gewässer ja ins Meer
Und tief im Innern weiß ich auch: Das muss es
Der Tod ist alles andere als leer
Er transformiert im Kreislauf unsrer Leben
Als Brücke führt er uns zum nächsten Schritt
Er lehrt uns alle stets die Kunst des Webens
Die Patchwork meiner Leben nehm ich mit
Hinein ins nächste große Abenteuer
Ein neuer Teil des Stoffes wird gewebt
Und ist euch diese Weisheit nicht geheuer
So sag ich euch was ich hab angestrebt:
Zu leben stets als gäbs kein sichren Morgen
Die Gegenwart ist alles was es gibt
Im Hier und Jetzt fühlt sich das Glück geborgen
Und wichtig ist, dass man sich selbst auch liebt!